- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.
- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
- I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
- Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
- First draw the curve, then plot the data.
- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
- When blondes have more fun do they know it?
- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.
- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?
- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.