Fun Quotes

  • BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.
  • FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
  • I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
  • I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
  • Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
  • JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
  • What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  • Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
  • 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
  • If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
  • The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
  • First draw the curve, then plot the data.
  • A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
  • IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
  • When blondes have more fun do they know it?
  • REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.
  • OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?
  • Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

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